My foray into alternative hair removals

A little while back, when I finally decided I had to see a doctor about my menstrual situation, my doctor had me experiment with hormones to see if that would help any. It of course did not, it only served to make me even more insane than I already am and basically made my husband consider an exorcism. The experimentation didn't last long so I thought that all those little issues that are supposed to haunt you wouldn't matter to me.

Six or so months ago, Mr. Fluffy is sitting there staring at me. I finally get exasperated and ask him what was wrong and he says "I think you are growing a mustache." I freaked. I ran upstairs and stared really hard in the mirror and sure enough there were little tufts of tiny blonde hairs where there used to not be. I went through several days of denial before finally admitting to myself that I was getting a "femstache." My next little freak out was on the matter of actually removing said femstache without the damn thing coming back twice as nasty. I decided to start looking into alternative hair removal processes because shaving and plucking just was not an option.

I started with facial hair removal cream. While all in all it is a great product and does what it says, I had a bit of a drawback with it. I lost all feeling in my upper lip for 2 days. Yep, try kissing like that, it is a whole new experience.

My next experimentation was with waxing. I had already forayed into this a little with having my eyebrows waxed a few times. I actually like the clean look of it and the pain wasn't too bad. I like the way it worked on my lips and it didn't leave me feeling numb so that was a plus. I think I will stick to this one.

All this got me to wondering about other areas of my body. I don't know about you girls, but my armpit hair grows in extremely fast. If I don't shave it everyday I look like some amazonian princess or something. I decided that waxing on my eyebrows and my lips wasn't too bad so why not try the pits right? Oh my........unless you have a high pain tolerance, don't do this. I don't recommend it. My wording that night got quite colorful. I am also one of those people that if I start something, I need to finish it. So I abused myself for about 30 minutes. That is how long it took with the cussing and screaming and crying. The next day my armpits were still a little bloody and very, very raw. That's ok, it lasted quite a long time, so I think in the next few days I will be abusing myself again.

Letter to the bitch at the store

Dear woman at the store, 

I just wanted to say thank you for totally bringing to everyone's attention to me yesterday when I had my little embarrassing moment. I know that, naturally, I would usually want to keep that low key, but you were totally  right in letting everyone in the store know what exactly had happened..........repeatedly. I know that it was raining and that high heels most likely were not the best choice to wear to a grocery store to pick up something for dinner, but you see, my husband had the car and had just picked me up from work ( I work in an office ) and decided to drop by the store before heading home. 

I did notice you when we walked in. How could I not? You and your two very large friends were blocking the entire entrance, forcing people to have to actually slide between you and the door to get in. I was awed by how loud you three were when I heard you complaining of the rain and wiping down your baskets....very slowly. My plan was just to ignore you, walk on by and hope that you would stay on the other side of the store so I could shop in peace. Lo and behold, it seems fate had other plans for us. I had barely walked 10 feet from you when the unthinkable happened. 

I slipped and fell right on my toosh.

Yep, in front of the entire store my heel hit that little patch of water in the isle just right and went flying into the air. I luckily had my left hand on the basket, and in my panic had grabbed the shelves on my right, so I didn't hit as hard as I could have, but it was still a very awkward position and no one had noticed as of yet what had happened. As I struggled to pull myself up and preserve some of my dignity ( while my husband kindly stared and laughed ) you took it upon yourself to loudly announce to the store in your blaring voice:

"Oh my gawd! That lady just fell!" 

"Look at her people, she fell!"

"She just fell right there, look!"

I couldn't help but think that the appropriate way to thank you for bringing the attention of the entire store to my unfortunate condition was to hurl a rabid screeching cat in your direction. I would also like you to know that the scathing reply to your questions asking if I had "hurt my butt" were from the heart. I often use the same wording with my dear husband when he is getting on my nerves. There is just such a warm fuzzy feeling that comes over one when telling another human being "Yes! Now shut the fuck up please!"

Once again, thank you. I never would have gotten to experience that had it not been for your loud ass mouth.  I hope sometime soon you get the same fulfillment that I was given. 

Yours sincerely, 

            Lady who fell on her ass

Apparently I'm from out of this world

Yesterday was a weird kinda day. One of those that isn't really bad but just isn't really great at all. I wound up sticking this status on my personal FB;

 "Ever have one of those conversations with someone where you feel like you must be speaking an alien language because they are totally misunderstanding what you are saying? Yeah just had one.........I would get farther arguing with a wall."

See the conversation had started out kinda normal. Mr. Fluffy and I had been talking Amtgard and about some things that had happened and I mentioned "I don't think someone should get something just because they are being pandered around, they should have to work for it really hard like the rest of us." It was right after this that the conversation just sort of broke down. He apparently thought I was pissed and jealous and that I wanted to be shown off or something (yeah, shove the introvert in front of a bunch of strange people. What could possibly go wrong there?) and I was trying to explain that people who constantly kiss ass to get what they want makes me throw up in my mouth a little. It ended with me pretty much getting so frustrated I cried (I don't know why I do that but 90% of the time I cry this is why) which then pissed me off because I hate to cry. 

We moved on after that. He let it go because he could tell he was upsetting me, he just didn't understand why exactly. Eventually by the end of the night, we were running through drills with our weapons and I tagged him in the nuts for getting too excited about hitting on his own wife. 

All in all it ended well and my alien speech went back to normal at the end of the night.  

Warning! There are lady bits in this one.....guys you might not wanna read

As most of you know, I went to my yearly gyno appointment the other day. I have fondly dubbed it my "Yearly Violation." I am sure most ladies would agree with me on that point. Seriously, is there anything worse than someone poking and prodding in your private bits with metal instruments while you stare at the walls and pretend you are anywhere but there? This one just happened to be one of the most interesting ones I have had in awhile. 

My doctor is a teaching doctor, which I don't really mind at all. Several times she has had her students observe the procedures she performs on me since I am a "strange" case. I'm a guinea pig ya'll! So when the nurse once again asked me if the student could participate in my violation, I promptly said yes because it makes me feel like I am contributing something to the world. She got my vitals out of the way and ushered me into my little room and told me to get with the program and strip. 

I'm sitting there (thankfully she keeps her office quite toasty so we don't freeze our tooshies off in those little gowns) and this cute adorable little thing walks in all rainbows and sunshine. Ah, it is the student come to try her hand at the lady whose body hates her. I smile, trying to hold in my evil giggles because I know this perky little woman has no clue what she is getting into. She starts firing off her battery of questions at me and I can tell that she is quickly becoming engrossed and horrified by my answers. By the time the Nurse Practitioner comes into the room to do my exam, the little student is starting to stutter. The NP has the student start naming off everything she has learned about me. She is no longer rainbows and sunshine at this people.  

The student listens intently while the NP and I discuss what treatments I have or have not had, what worked and did not work. She listened in abject horror when I told the NP about the hormonal insanity that ensued after my last treatment. Then we got down to business with the exam. The NP wanted me to let the student do it so I agreed. Doing my duty again. She started with the top part, which is my least favorite bit of the whole thing so thank goodness she was fast. She was getting ready to go to town down below when a funny little feeling hit me. Yep, I should not have had Mexican food for lunch on the day of my appointment. I was in horror that I might accidentally butt burp on this tiny little ray of sunshine that was currently rooting around in my lady bits quite roughly. 

She finished up quickly and practically bounced out of the room, her enthusiasm returned now that she was done with Lady Freaky Bits. The NP stayed a moment to discuss some more treatments, the whole time I am trying my best to hold in the noxious fumes warring to escape me. Finally, everyone leaves the room and I hurriedly dress and leave the building, make it outside and get relief. I make it home and Mr. Fluffy asks me how everything went. I told him the whole story and he of course laughed his butt off at me. Yep true love there folks. 

All in all this appointment will go down in my books as one of the strangest ones I have ever had. Now that I am done with that bit of over sharing, have you ever had a doctor appointment you will never forget?

blahhhhhhhh

So the past few days have been a real roller-coaster for me. Wednesday we had a bitch of a windstorm so of course my almost non existent allergies kicked in and I woke up feeling like I was swallowing crushed glass. This went on into Thursday were I lost my voice and also had my yearly violation (pap) appointment. The doctor was very enthusiastic about getting me to do a certain surgery that would help solve some of my monthly agony. I got very excited about it and asked her about my out of pocket expenses. She said she would have her receptionist look that up and give me a call........well today I got that call and I am heartbroken. Three grand. Three grand to go into her office for a procedure that would take upmost of 30 minutes and a little ibuprofen. Looks like I will be saving up for sometime.

On the other hand, I had Mr. Fluffy get me a small little elliptical for me to work out on. I'm so excited about it. I put the entire thing together myself and am anxious to try it out today when I get home. Other than that, I am just too depressed right now to write much. I was very much looking forward to some relief and to find out that I can't have it right now dashed my hopes. So I am going to go sit in a corner for a bit and brood on why shit has to be so damn expensive.

Brotherly love?

I get so tickled at my boys. I can honestly say, I didn't know what to expect when I had two sons. I grew up with three sisters and two brothers but one didn't live with us (complicated story lol) so I was never really exposed to brotherly bonding. My boys have shared a room since Smarty Pants was born. I never felt anything wrong with it seeing as how I had shared a room with my sister up through high school. It just felt like the natural thing to do.

There have been bumps in the road, to hear it from them you would think sharing a room was the ultimate in un-coolness. They never can agree whose clothes belong to who. They are forever touching each others toys. They constantly pull pranks on each other and heaven forbid if one of them dares to encroach upon the other's bed. I am constantly bombarded by the demand of  "Why can't (enter name here) just sleep out in the hall? Then I could have my own room!" "Why is it fair that Little Miss has her own room but we don't!?" "Mooooom! He is staring at my side of the rooooom!"

For all of this though, I can tell that they actually enjoy each other's company. Every night at bed time, there are the secretive whispers and giggles. When one of them isn't there you would think they had died by the way the other acts. They will complain about how silent and boring their room is when the other is gone. They will seek out me or their sister because "It's just too lonely in there without (enter name)." It is at times like these I realize, through all the bluffing and posturing and knock-down-drag-out fights that they really do care for each other. With sisters it was easier, we knew we loved each other and we stuck together like glue. My boys kept me wondering though, I was down right positive they detested each other. I just hope one day  they realize just how important they are to each other. I know I can see it, but if you ask them they will flat out deny it.

Rant about my kid's school

Can I just say how much I hate dealing with my children's school?  I have fairly smart children. They aren't genius kids or anything but they are not walking around with air between their ears either. Our school district loves to hire "new" teachers or promote someone from one thing (my daughter's teacher was the school librarian until this year) to a teaching position. While I understand that these people have to start somewhere in their teaching careers, I just wish my kids wouldn't get them every single year. With Little Man, they never know how to handle his hair trigger temper. Sassy Pants always seems to get the teachers who have never in their entire lives dealt with a head strong kid before, and Little Miss is learning this year that she can't just get by on how cute she is. Sassy Pants teacher and I just are butting heads this year. Talking to that man is like beating your head against a brick wall. Not going to get anything out of it but a splitting headache. Sassy Pants talks. Anytime he can have his mouth running it is. He is a non stop chatter box. I warned his teacher of this. When they line up to go anywhere, the teacher tells them to be quiet and not talk, so of course my son has to talk. They have a color system for when they are in trouble.

Purple - excellent day!
Blue - Great day!
Green- good but not anything to brag about (this is where my kids thrive)
Yellow - not bad but had to be warned once
Orange - getting worse, second warning
Red - basically your screwed. We will call and email both your parents and you are possibly getting ISS (in school suspension)

So yesterday Sassy Pant's teacher decides that he isn't going to give him any warnings anymore. If he gets in trouble for the littlest thing he will automatically go from where ever he was on the list to red. If he gets red he gets grounded at home. His teacher knows this and has decided to use it against my son as a sort of blackmail. Be extremely good or I will put you on red! WTF?! Really? You are going to emotionally blackmail my son into behaving a little better so you don't have to stop being lazy and deal with him? You can't tell me in that whole class of 21 kids that my son is the worst. I know he loves to talk and will most likely be named class clown but he isn't violent or anything. Then, he calls Mr. Fluffy, who just happened to be taking a test and forgot to silence his phone so he automatically failed the test, just to tell him that Sassy Pants had not been turning in homework for three weeks. Really? Why didn't you tell us sooner?! This man has both of our email addresses and phone numbers so there is no reason why he could not reach us sooner than this. Why wait three damn weeks to say anything at all? I am so frustrated with their school that I just want to scream. They refuse to keep us in the loop on anything then cry about it when we don't know what is going on.