Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My foray into alternative hair removals

A little while back, when I finally decided I had to see a doctor about my menstrual situation, my doctor had me experiment with hormones to see if that would help any. It of course did not, it only served to make me even more insane than I already am and basically made my husband consider an exorcism. The experimentation didn't last long so I thought that all those little issues that are supposed to haunt you wouldn't matter to me.

Six or so months ago, Mr. Fluffy is sitting there staring at me. I finally get exasperated and ask him what was wrong and he says "I think you are growing a mustache." I freaked. I ran upstairs and stared really hard in the mirror and sure enough there were little tufts of tiny blonde hairs where there used to not be. I went through several days of denial before finally admitting to myself that I was getting a "femstache." My next little freak out was on the matter of actually removing said femstache without the damn thing coming back twice as nasty. I decided to start looking into alternative hair removal processes because shaving and plucking just was not an option.

I started with facial hair removal cream. While all in all it is a great product and does what it says, I had a bit of a drawback with it. I lost all feeling in my upper lip for 2 days. Yep, try kissing like that, it is a whole new experience.

My next experimentation was with waxing. I had already forayed into this a little with having my eyebrows waxed a few times. I actually like the clean look of it and the pain wasn't too bad. I like the way it worked on my lips and it didn't leave me feeling numb so that was a plus. I think I will stick to this one.

All this got me to wondering about other areas of my body. I don't know about you girls, but my armpit hair grows in extremely fast. If I don't shave it everyday I look like some amazonian princess or something. I decided that waxing on my eyebrows and my lips wasn't too bad so why not try the pits right? Oh my........unless you have a high pain tolerance, don't do this. I don't recommend it. My wording that night got quite colorful. I am also one of those people that if I start something, I need to finish it. So I abused myself for about 30 minutes. That is how long it took with the cussing and screaming and crying. The next day my armpits were still a little bloody and very, very raw. That's ok, it lasted quite a long time, so I think in the next few days I will be abusing myself again.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Letter to the bitch at the store

Dear woman at the store, 

I just wanted to say thank you for totally bringing to everyone's attention to me yesterday when I had my little embarrassing moment. I know that, naturally, I would usually want to keep that low key, but you were totally  right in letting everyone in the store know what exactly had happened..........repeatedly. I know that it was raining and that high heels most likely were not the best choice to wear to a grocery store to pick up something for dinner, but you see, my husband had the car and had just picked me up from work ( I work in an office ) and decided to drop by the store before heading home. 

I did notice you when we walked in. How could I not? You and your two very large friends were blocking the entire entrance, forcing people to have to actually slide between you and the door to get in. I was awed by how loud you three were when I heard you complaining of the rain and wiping down your baskets....very slowly. My plan was just to ignore you, walk on by and hope that you would stay on the other side of the store so I could shop in peace. Lo and behold, it seems fate had other plans for us. I had barely walked 10 feet from you when the unthinkable happened. 

I slipped and fell right on my toosh.

Yep, in front of the entire store my heel hit that little patch of water in the isle just right and went flying into the air. I luckily had my left hand on the basket, and in my panic had grabbed the shelves on my right, so I didn't hit as hard as I could have, but it was still a very awkward position and no one had noticed as of yet what had happened. As I struggled to pull myself up and preserve some of my dignity ( while my husband kindly stared and laughed ) you took it upon yourself to loudly announce to the store in your blaring voice:

"Oh my gawd! That lady just fell!" 
"Look at her people, she fell!"
"She just fell right there, look!"

I couldn't help but think that the appropriate way to thank you for bringing the attention of the entire store to my unfortunate condition was to hurl a rabid screeching cat in your direction. I would also like you to know that the scathing reply to your questions asking if I had "hurt my butt" were from the heart. I often use the same wording with my dear husband when he is getting on my nerves. There is just such a warm fuzzy feeling that comes over one when telling another human being "Yes! Now shut the fuck up please!"

Once again, thank you. I never would have gotten to experience that had it not been for your loud ass mouth.  I hope sometime soon you get the same fulfillment that I was given. 

Yours sincerely, 
            Lady who fell on her ass


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Apparently I'm from out of this world

Yesterday was a weird kinda day. One of those that isn't really bad but just isn't really great at all. I wound up sticking this status on my personal FB;

 "Ever have one of those conversations with someone where you feel like you must be speaking an alien language because they are totally misunderstanding what you are saying? Yeah just had one.........I would get farther arguing with a wall."

See the conversation had started out kinda normal. Mr. Fluffy and I had been talking Amtgard and about some things that had happened and I mentioned "I don't think someone should get something just because they are being pandered around, they should have to work for it really hard like the rest of us." It was right after this that the conversation just sort of broke down. He apparently thought I was pissed and jealous and that I wanted to be shown off or something (yeah, shove the introvert in front of a bunch of strange people. What could possibly go wrong there?) and I was trying to explain that people who constantly kiss ass to get what they want makes me throw up in my mouth a little. It ended with me pretty much getting so frustrated I cried (I don't know why I do that but 90% of the time I cry this is why) which then pissed me off because I hate to cry. 

We moved on after that. He let it go because he could tell he was upsetting me, he just didn't understand why exactly. Eventually by the end of the night, we were running through drills with our weapons and I tagged him in the nuts for getting too excited about hitting on his own wife. 

All in all it ended well and my alien speech went back to normal at the end of the night.