Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Letter to the bitch at the store

Dear woman at the store, 

I just wanted to say thank you for totally bringing to everyone's attention to me yesterday when I had my little embarrassing moment. I know that, naturally, I would usually want to keep that low key, but you were totally  right in letting everyone in the store know what exactly had happened..........repeatedly. I know that it was raining and that high heels most likely were not the best choice to wear to a grocery store to pick up something for dinner, but you see, my husband had the car and had just picked me up from work ( I work in an office ) and decided to drop by the store before heading home. 

I did notice you when we walked in. How could I not? You and your two very large friends were blocking the entire entrance, forcing people to have to actually slide between you and the door to get in. I was awed by how loud you three were when I heard you complaining of the rain and wiping down your baskets....very slowly. My plan was just to ignore you, walk on by and hope that you would stay on the other side of the store so I could shop in peace. Lo and behold, it seems fate had other plans for us. I had barely walked 10 feet from you when the unthinkable happened. 

I slipped and fell right on my toosh.

Yep, in front of the entire store my heel hit that little patch of water in the isle just right and went flying into the air. I luckily had my left hand on the basket, and in my panic had grabbed the shelves on my right, so I didn't hit as hard as I could have, but it was still a very awkward position and no one had noticed as of yet what had happened. As I struggled to pull myself up and preserve some of my dignity ( while my husband kindly stared and laughed ) you took it upon yourself to loudly announce to the store in your blaring voice:

"Oh my gawd! That lady just fell!" 
"Look at her people, she fell!"
"She just fell right there, look!"

I couldn't help but think that the appropriate way to thank you for bringing the attention of the entire store to my unfortunate condition was to hurl a rabid screeching cat in your direction. I would also like you to know that the scathing reply to your questions asking if I had "hurt my butt" were from the heart. I often use the same wording with my dear husband when he is getting on my nerves. There is just such a warm fuzzy feeling that comes over one when telling another human being "Yes! Now shut the fuck up please!"

Once again, thank you. I never would have gotten to experience that had it not been for your loud ass mouth.  I hope sometime soon you get the same fulfillment that I was given. 

Yours sincerely, 
            Lady who fell on her ass


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