I swear I am still alive

Swear it! I am here, I am still breathing. Just been super busy and when I am done being super busy then I am too exhausted to think of something to write. I will catch everyone up on my crafts and things later.........but for a while, I am still going to be lazy. Thank you :)

Dialect Challenge

I was browsing Facebook yesterday and came across a post from Kelley of Kelley's Breakroom. She wanted to have a whole bunch of us get together and do a dialect challenge which consists of us recording ourselves saying a set of words and answering some questions. I was bored so I figured, why not. It sounded like a ton of fun to me and, seeing as I live in a town full of military, I am always curious to see what other people call things.

I was supposed to record myself last night and uplink it this morning. Well, good intentions and such right? I was just getting comfy and Mr. Fluffy was making supper but he decided he needed my help (this is usually just a ploy to get me to spend some one on one time with him) and asked me to come cut the onion for the hot dogs he was making. Well if you know me I am the biggest clutz in the world and I tried to cut my thumb off. Well, I sliced it open pretty good. Seeing as how I am the biggest baby in the world I spent the rest of my night soliciting TLC from Mr. Fluffy.

When I got on Facebook this morning I saw that Kelley had responded to my comment saying how she was looking forward to it and I immediately let loose with some colorful language that did not make it into the video because I had forgotten. I didn't have time to do it before I left for work so I decided that I would take some of my lunch break to get this done. So enjoy the following video, please excuse the way I look. It is casual Friday at work and I take casual to a whole new level, no makeup, big t-shirt and barely brushed hair (they just better be glad I wasn't in my PJs).  I would like to point out that Texas is a big state and we have our own different dialects throughout. I currently live in Central Texas but was raised in deep South Texas.

Just to be sure everyone knows what I am talking about I will post the questions below as posed by Kelley.

Here are the questions:
1. What is the generic term for sweetened carbonated beverages?

Coke
2. What do you call the miniature lobster that you find in lakes and streams?

Craw-daddy
3. What is that thing called that kids drink water from in the hallways at schools?

Water Fountain
4. What do you call rubber-soled shoes that you wear to the gym? Or to run? Or to go to Target?

Tennis Shoes (pronounced Tenny shoe)
5. Does someone cut the grass? Cut the lawn? Mow the grass? Mow the lawn?

Mow the lawn
6. What is the general term for that big road where people, like, drive really, really fast?

Highway or Interstate
7. What do you call a group of two or more people?
Ya'll

How do you pronounce:
8. Syrup?
9. Pecan?
10. Pajamas?
11. Mayonnaise?
12. Lawyer?
13. Crayon?
14. Marry/merry/Mary?
15. Doesn't Pepto Bismol taste really, really good?

The Yoga Debacle

I love introducing people to the things I love. Really, really love it. If I can get you to do what I do then that means I have someone to discuss it with who actually understands what I am talking about. I mean, when was the last time you tried talking to a bunch of PTA moms about your K/D ratio? On the flip side I also love introducing my gamer and geek friends to a few "normal" things. 

A couple of weeks ago one of my close friends ( I will name her Miss Missing for future reference purposes) and I were talking about losing weight and getting more flexible so that we can fight better on the Amtgard field. We want to be able to kick some of the guys butts. The drawback to our plan was that we both have some slight health issues, hers being worse than mine. Light bulb moment comes upon me and I say "Hey Miss Missing, ever tried yoga?" Turns out she has never done it but has always wanted to try it out. I quickly extolled the virtues of it to her and we decided that she would stay the night at my place and we would try it the next morning. Before going to bed that night I gave her this warning, "Don't overextend yourself, take it slow and go at your own pace. Don't try to follow the lady on the video because she goes pretty fast on some parts and you won't be able to keep up with her." 

The next morning we get up and get our stuff together. I pop in the video and calmly explain a few of the moves and how she can adjust them a little to accommodate her problem areas so that she won't hurt herself.  The first 10 minutes are fine, we are hitting each pose on cue and she is feeling good about it. It is at this moment that the lady speeds up. Having been to several classes and done the video more than a few times, I am used to the set that we are going through. It is a very common stretch series. It starts in mountain pose and ends the same way. 

Like this video from 1:48 to 3:20 but extremely fast

So I am going along with this quite nicely and it takes me awhile before I realize that there isn't any movement where she is. I look over and she is standing there looking from me to the TV like the world just went wacko on her. I pause the video, look at her and ask "Issues?" That was about the time she broke. She went off on how people who do this must have a screw or two loose and that she thought yoga was supposed to be slow and why was this lady so fraking fast. I admit, all I did was sit back and laugh because, you know......I had warned her. I let her go off for a bit and when she calmed down I let her play with my hair (she likes how straight and fine it is and it let her get back at me with a few good yanks here and there) while we watched a few movies. 

We have decided that we will give this another go sometime. She claims to have a beginner DVD that we can use that might suit her better. I think we will just end up on the couch watching my Game of Thrones DVDs but that is just the way we roll baby. 

The mystery of the urine scent

Do you ever have those times where you know you can smell something but no one else does? I do, all the time. I have a really weird heightened sense of smell. Of course, this only came about after I became a mom. I can smell puke rooms away and if a diaper needs to be changed from across the house. I am sure many of you developed this unfortunate superpower also. Sometimes this ultra shnoz comes in useful, but most of the time I wish I didn't have it (like every time I pass my son's bathroom). 

A few days ago I am sitting in my living room with a friend and we are playing Black Ops 2, just relaxing the day away by shooting digital men in the groin. All of a sudden, I get a faint whiff of  parfum de pee-pee. I immediately chalk it up to the boys not flushing their toilet again and tell them they need to do that pronto. On we go about our business and everything is fine for about thirty minutes when I catch the scent again. I go and check the boys bathroom, because you know, they do everything I ask the first time *insert eye roll here*. Surprisingly, the toilet is clear and there is nothing in there that smells. Ok strange, but I just decided it must have been left over toilet smelly. 

Ten minutes later, I smell it again. This time I go on a manhunt. I check the laundry. Smelly but nothing that smells like urine. I check my son's bed (we are fighting a bed wetting problem, it has gotten much better) to see if it was wet. I checked to see if the kids had dropped dirty clothes on the way to the laundry room. I checked everything.........or so I thought. 

Two days later and I am still smelling it. I have asked everyone else and no one seems to smell it. I belatedly realize late that day, that the only time I smell it is when I am in my computer desk chair. I am searching around my desk when it suddenly becomes overpowering. The one and only thing near me is my tiny little waste basket. Now just a little back tracking here. I used to have a waste basket in my son's bathroom but do to two little boys playing "let's see who can fill it with pee faster" I have taken it away from them. So with this in mind, I think "Oh no, no trash can is safe. I am going to maim them." I call (read: yell) them down from their rooms and start demanding to know who peed in my trash can in the living room where we entertain our family and friends. Both boys are adamantly denying their involvement, saying they learned their lesson from the bathroom stunt when I see this tiny hand being held up behind them. 

Yes, it was my dainty, girly little daughter. 

My mouth just dropped open and everyone fell silent. Mr. Fluffy trying to hide his giggling brought me out of my shock and I proceeded to ask the question all mothers fear...........why. She tells me that about a week ago (yes.....a week.......pee was in my living room for a week) she was downstairs watching her cartoons and felt the need to pee come on her. For some reason none of us will ever know, she spied my trash can and thought to herself  "I can just squat over that and then I won't have to walk upstairs to the bathroom, no one will ever know." She was surprised to learn that two inches of pee in there would start to stink after a little while. Her punishment was having to clean it out. She has sworn never to do it again. 

Let's hope she sticks to that

My foray into alternative hair removals

A little while back, when I finally decided I had to see a doctor about my menstrual situation, my doctor had me experiment with hormones to see if that would help any. It of course did not, it only served to make me even more insane than I already am and basically made my husband consider an exorcism. The experimentation didn't last long so I thought that all those little issues that are supposed to haunt you wouldn't matter to me.

Six or so months ago, Mr. Fluffy is sitting there staring at me. I finally get exasperated and ask him what was wrong and he says "I think you are growing a mustache." I freaked. I ran upstairs and stared really hard in the mirror and sure enough there were little tufts of tiny blonde hairs where there used to not be. I went through several days of denial before finally admitting to myself that I was getting a "femstache." My next little freak out was on the matter of actually removing said femstache without the damn thing coming back twice as nasty. I decided to start looking into alternative hair removal processes because shaving and plucking just was not an option.

I started with facial hair removal cream. While all in all it is a great product and does what it says, I had a bit of a drawback with it. I lost all feeling in my upper lip for 2 days. Yep, try kissing like that, it is a whole new experience.

My next experimentation was with waxing. I had already forayed into this a little with having my eyebrows waxed a few times. I actually like the clean look of it and the pain wasn't too bad. I like the way it worked on my lips and it didn't leave me feeling numb so that was a plus. I think I will stick to this one.

All this got me to wondering about other areas of my body. I don't know about you girls, but my armpit hair grows in extremely fast. If I don't shave it everyday I look like some amazonian princess or something. I decided that waxing on my eyebrows and my lips wasn't too bad so why not try the pits right? Oh my........unless you have a high pain tolerance, don't do this. I don't recommend it. My wording that night got quite colorful. I am also one of those people that if I start something, I need to finish it. So I abused myself for about 30 minutes. That is how long it took with the cussing and screaming and crying. The next day my armpits were still a little bloody and very, very raw. That's ok, it lasted quite a long time, so I think in the next few days I will be abusing myself again.

Letter to the bitch at the store

Dear woman at the store, 

I just wanted to say thank you for totally bringing to everyone's attention to me yesterday when I had my little embarrassing moment. I know that, naturally, I would usually want to keep that low key, but you were totally  right in letting everyone in the store know what exactly had happened..........repeatedly. I know that it was raining and that high heels most likely were not the best choice to wear to a grocery store to pick up something for dinner, but you see, my husband had the car and had just picked me up from work ( I work in an office ) and decided to drop by the store before heading home. 

I did notice you when we walked in. How could I not? You and your two very large friends were blocking the entire entrance, forcing people to have to actually slide between you and the door to get in. I was awed by how loud you three were when I heard you complaining of the rain and wiping down your baskets....very slowly. My plan was just to ignore you, walk on by and hope that you would stay on the other side of the store so I could shop in peace. Lo and behold, it seems fate had other plans for us. I had barely walked 10 feet from you when the unthinkable happened. 

I slipped and fell right on my toosh.

Yep, in front of the entire store my heel hit that little patch of water in the isle just right and went flying into the air. I luckily had my left hand on the basket, and in my panic had grabbed the shelves on my right, so I didn't hit as hard as I could have, but it was still a very awkward position and no one had noticed as of yet what had happened. As I struggled to pull myself up and preserve some of my dignity ( while my husband kindly stared and laughed ) you took it upon yourself to loudly announce to the store in your blaring voice:

"Oh my gawd! That lady just fell!" 

"Look at her people, she fell!"

"She just fell right there, look!"

I couldn't help but think that the appropriate way to thank you for bringing the attention of the entire store to my unfortunate condition was to hurl a rabid screeching cat in your direction. I would also like you to know that the scathing reply to your questions asking if I had "hurt my butt" were from the heart. I often use the same wording with my dear husband when he is getting on my nerves. There is just such a warm fuzzy feeling that comes over one when telling another human being "Yes! Now shut the fuck up please!"

Once again, thank you. I never would have gotten to experience that had it not been for your loud ass mouth.  I hope sometime soon you get the same fulfillment that I was given. 

Yours sincerely, 

            Lady who fell on her ass

Apparently I'm from out of this world

Yesterday was a weird kinda day. One of those that isn't really bad but just isn't really great at all. I wound up sticking this status on my personal FB;

 "Ever have one of those conversations with someone where you feel like you must be speaking an alien language because they are totally misunderstanding what you are saying? Yeah just had one.........I would get farther arguing with a wall."

See the conversation had started out kinda normal. Mr. Fluffy and I had been talking Amtgard and about some things that had happened and I mentioned "I don't think someone should get something just because they are being pandered around, they should have to work for it really hard like the rest of us." It was right after this that the conversation just sort of broke down. He apparently thought I was pissed and jealous and that I wanted to be shown off or something (yeah, shove the introvert in front of a bunch of strange people. What could possibly go wrong there?) and I was trying to explain that people who constantly kiss ass to get what they want makes me throw up in my mouth a little. It ended with me pretty much getting so frustrated I cried (I don't know why I do that but 90% of the time I cry this is why) which then pissed me off because I hate to cry. 

We moved on after that. He let it go because he could tell he was upsetting me, he just didn't understand why exactly. Eventually by the end of the night, we were running through drills with our weapons and I tagged him in the nuts for getting too excited about hitting on his own wife. 

All in all it ended well and my alien speech went back to normal at the end of the night.